It’s really happening. After this long journey, I sit here in my bed, getting ready to take a shower; I can’t believe this moment is finally happening. You would think I would be flooded with emotions and excitement, but in a sense, I’m almost numb. I’m not going to lie, some of it is because I have thoughts running through the back of my mind that just keep reminding me “why?”. “Why did you let things get so out of hand that you have to have a surgical intervention? Why couldn’t you just get a hold of this while you still had a chance?”.
This journey has already been so emotional, an awakening of sorts. I have reflected on past experiences in my life to better understand why I got here in the first place. Why did I let myself gain an extra 150 lbs? Why did I stop caring? Will I ever let myself get to this point again? Am I going to fail this surgery? What makes this any different than all my other failed attempts.
Even though it sounds like I’m riddled with disappointment in, I’m not. I could be, but what’s the use in that? I’m just so thankful for the oppprtunity to get to start over. I really try to live with the mentality that I don’t have many regrets in life because all you can really do from the past is learn, but if I had one regret, it would be how I let myself go deep into this state of morbid obesity.
Honestly, I have not been obese in my adult life. Being so vastly overweight has been a huge part of my identity: It’s helped me become invisible. I have missed out on so many opportunities in my life because of my weight. I didn’t want to go out because of my size, as if staying home inside (and eating) was a better alternative.
Yesterday, I had to do a 24-hour fast, and I’m not going to lie, it was hard for me. I have never done anything like that before, I have never been 24-hours without food. It was almost emotional, I kept thinking how I will not be able to indulge anymore, how my lifestyle is actually really going to change. I can’t just casually give into my impulses anymore, it’s time to grow up and take care of myself.
But you know what? I’m ready.
I truly am ready to embark on this next journey of my life. The only thing that can stop me now is myself, and while this is by no means going to be a quick fix, I’m going to have an incredible tool in my body to aid me along the way. I can finally define myself through my personality, not my weight. I can finally live life how I want to, and not have to worry about how uncomfortable I’m going to feel going out at such a large size. I can soon do the physical activities I once loved.
I’m finally going to start living life, and not this shell of a life I’ve been living. I’m finally ready to give up my identity as the fat chick, and I’m ready to live my life to the fullest. I’m ready to have a healthy mind and body.