It’s hard to believe that I started this journey 6 months ago. I remember counting down the days until the classes began. Then came the period where I realized this process is going to take what felt an eternity; it was still something I committed to every week but I could never really see the light.
Then one day about a week or so after New Years it’s almost as if I had a revelation. Surgery really IS going to happen. My life really IS going to change, and very soon at that.
For the first time in my life, I just felt like I had certainty. It’s surreal, I feel like i have the will, and now I even have a tool to help me achieve this. If I follow the program I really am going to lose this weight, for good. I know, nothing in life is certain but the statistics are there. People are enjoying life, some are finally beginning life. They are enjoying things they never thought possible. They are going out and enjoying life, and don’t have to fear the constant scrutiny of others. That to me is a life worth living.
I was having a chat with Cody tonight, we were at Subway getting salads. I decided to share my inner monologue with him and he was just so surprised to hear how I perceive things. As someone my size I am CONSTANTLY anxious about my physical appearance and how others perceive me, I feel like someone is always judging my appearance or actions because at my weight I feel like I am under a microscope. Even when I have conversations with friends or family I am constantly checking to see if their eyes gaze at my giant stomach because I just can’t hide it. I don’t like going out anymore because of my size. I can’t do any of the activities I enjoy anymore like yoga or kayaking because I’m too large. I won’t go to Disneyland or any amusement park because o refuse to have to be forced off a ride because I don’t fit. This is not a life worth living.
But, the silver lining in all of this is that this will not be my life anymore! Things are going to change!! I will have more energy, be more fulfilled and confident. It’s crazy to think how that’s going to happen. I have known this lifestyle for so long I’m not even sure what to expect. I get a second chance at life!
This process has been such a mental journey more than anything. The woman who facilitates our weekly meeting is phenomenal: She has a background in therapy and for me that has been so wonderful. When we have the occasional sub they focus on nutrition and try to get us to exercise the entire time. We know how to do all of that. Learning about ourselves and the reasons why we’ve let ourselves go like this is far more valuable than learning how to eat right, even if you’re not doing surgery. I highly recommend seeing a therapist just so you can learn more about yourself especially if you struggle with food addiction. It’s truly made an impact on my life. You can’t have a healthy body until you have a healthy mind.
All I can say is I’m just beaming. I see the light, I’m almost there, and it’s going to be an amazing journey.